Well, it has been a long while since I posted. I think I needed an emotional break for a time. In the past few months, I have found out that although my FSH levels are completely normal after a Clomid Challenge test, my AMH level is low. Which means that I don't have very good ovarian reserve. So, I feel so anxious every month knowing that my eggs are just dwindling away!
I tried Femara for 2 months and Ovidrel (Hcg trigger) one month, but didn't have any luck. I actually called a psychic medium on Sirius radio ( that is how crazy I have become) and she told me I would be pregnant in June. But, my period started today, so she is very wrong. What in the world was I thinking??
My due date recently came and went and with every period that comes, I just relive it all. Is this normal? It doesn't feel very normal to me. Nobody really understands me and everyone has moved on, except for me.
I am supposed to have an HSG in a few days to make sure my tubes are not blocked, so maybe that will be the answer. In my job, I see so many patients who either don't want the baby they are carrying or don't deserve one. Very frustrating! I actually quit the other day and I think that will bring me to some peace.
Anyway, just had to get some stuff off my mind so that I wouldn't go crazier.

I am a tearful mess...

I am so tearful today. My period is starting. This will be the 2nd one since we lost Elizabeth and it just is so hard. I felt like I was doing so much better and now I am not. It feels wrong to be having a period. I should be planning for my baby and I am not. I have been crying for an hour straight now, like the flood gates have opened. Please God give me strength and patience...I feel like I am losing them both.

Clotting tests came back

Well...I got a call from my new (wonderful) doctor on Monday. Apparently, I have the MTHFR gene mutation. This explains why I had the subchorionic hemorrhages and the daily bleeding and why my placenta had "micro bleeds". Wow...this makes me feel a little validated in why I pushed so hard to get some answers. My old doctors kept saying--"your baby is just not normal and you have a placenta previa" Then to think they told me at my post op exam that it "didn't matter if I had a clotting problem and refused to do the testing. Well, it did matter to me, because my baby was genetically normal and there was a condition that could have been treated. That really sucks!
The good news though, is that I am now on a cocktail of vitamins and aspirin and folgard and know what to do for next time. Just had to vent...

considering rainbow

So, this is the first week I have actually felt somewhat normal. The hysteria that seems to lie just beneath the surface has let up a bit. It worries me that I will forget things, like the way it felt to be pregnant with my baby or the joy of feeling movement or seeing her on the ultrasound screen. I organized her pictures in a book yesterday and it made me feel so glad to have them in order. I can finally say I am ready to return to work. For those who don't know, I am an Ob-gyn nurse practitioner and I see OB patients, so I have been worried about returning and how it would feel. I don't want to break down in front of someone who is happy and scare them. I think I am ready now...supposed to go back next week.
I have also been doing alot of thinking since New Year's (I guess New Year's will do that to you) about the possibility of trying again. I am scared, but I really want to try. I am still waiting on some labwork, so will probably wait at least another month. Maybe I will get my rainbow baby this year. I hope so...please pray for me. I would really appreciate that.
I found out this past week that my friend who is due 2 weeks after my due date is having a girl. While I am happy for her, I am so sad for myself. It brings it home for me that I was expecting a little girl, too and she will not be coming home. Some things are just too sad for words...

mixed emotions

So, my first period has come and I am a little mixed about this. I shouldn't even be having my period! But at least I know I am working properly. So, that gives me some peace. My new doctor (wonderful man) said to give it 2 cycles before trying again, so we will see. We are still waiting on the clotting factors to come back from all the labwork he drew. He was awesome...so different than the horror I experienced at my post delivery visit with the doctors I used during this pregnancy. I saw a rainbow over a mountain this past weekend and took a picture. God is really good! I will try to post the picture later.

chromosome results came in...why don't I feel better?

So, our chromosome results came in. For those who don't know, my doctor failed to submit any tissue for genetic testing. I didn't know until my 2 week follow up appt. and just assumed it would be done since I discussed it with him before surgery. Anyway, his words: "You don't need to know that anyway." Well, of course I need to know that information, especially since all my doctors kept saying there was something wrong with her. So, after talking to the pathologist at the hospital, he agreed to do an aneuploidy screen, which involves counting the chromosomes to make sure the number was normal. Because the tissue wasn't submitted by my doctor correctly, he was not able to do a full study, but he said he could at least tell if there was an extra one.
I got the report 2 days ago...she was genetically normal. This should make me happy and it does in some way. But, now I know the problem was me. I am so sad about that. I am even sadder that no one gave me any progesterone or tried to find out if I had any clotting problems that could be treated.
It has been 4 weeks since we lost Elizabeth and it still hurts very much. I would do anything to have her back.

Introduction

Hello...my name is Melissa. I am a wife to Glenn, mother to Ansley, age 8, and Baxter, age 6, and also to Elizabeth, our angel baby who left us on Tuesday, December 1, 2009. I want to start by telling you her story. First of all, we were not trying to conceive when we found out we were expecting. Obviously, we weren't preventing, but the pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise for both of us. While this pregnancy was unexpected, it was very much desired. I work in an Ob-gyn office, so have access to an ultrasound machine, which is both a blessing and a curse. I began spotting at 5 weeks and was found to have 2 large subchorionic hemorrhages surrounding the sac. But, there was a strong heartbeat...she was hanging on, if only by a thread. I was offered the opportunity to terminate, which I declined. I wanted her to live, not die. So, we waited. The hemorrhages went away and our baby grew. Several weeks passed by and in November, I saw blood on my panties...bright red. The bleeding got worse, sending me to the ER. Our baby was fine and we were sent home. The heavy bleeding started again 2 days later...we went to the office. The ultrasound showed a strong heartbeat, but a placenta previa. The placenta had attached over the cervix, which can cause bleeding. I was put on bedrest. Saw the maternal specialist, who confirmed the previa and had the first trimester nuchal fold test and labwork done. The next week, we found out that the screening test showed a higher risk for Down's Syndrome and we were told we should consider termination. Again, we wanted her to live, not die, even if that meant that she wasn't what the medical world considers "perfect". So, we scheduled the amnio and I continued on bedrest.
I consider this time such a gift. I came to a peace with the idea that there could be something wrong. I don't believe this was the case...after much research and the opinion of the specialist, the labwork was probably abnormal due to my bad placenta. I started feeling her move, found out we were expecting another daughter and the bleeding slowed to occasional spotting.
We had an ultrasound 2 days before Thanksgiving which showed normal growth, movement, and normal heartbeat.
On Monday, November 30, I had the distinct feeling that she was gone. I can not explain this...only can say that I felt God's presence and I knew that she was with Him. I spent the night crying and saying some sort of "good-bye". I went in the next morning and had an ultrasound, which showed that she had died.
I will never be able to explain the pain of that minute. Even though I knew in my heart, hearing the words, "The baby has died" is the single worst event I have experienced. I hope to never experience that again.
Elizabeth was with us for 17 weeks, 4 days. She is loved so much and missed everyday. We are trying so hard to come to peace...I have stopped waking up at 5am in tears, so am taking that as a good sign. When I see her ultrasound pictures, I hurt in my heart. I wanted to meet her and have the chance to be her parent.
My children pray for her every night and I know she hears them. Our priest says she went straight to Heaven, that we were given the gift of feeling God's presence when she died. I believe that to be true. One of my favorite quotes: "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot protect you." I know that the good in this is that we are surrounded by God's grace every minute...myself, my husband, my children who are here with me, and our sweet Elizabeth.