considering rainbow

So, this is the first week I have actually felt somewhat normal. The hysteria that seems to lie just beneath the surface has let up a bit. It worries me that I will forget things, like the way it felt to be pregnant with my baby or the joy of feeling movement or seeing her on the ultrasound screen. I organized her pictures in a book yesterday and it made me feel so glad to have them in order. I can finally say I am ready to return to work. For those who don't know, I am an Ob-gyn nurse practitioner and I see OB patients, so I have been worried about returning and how it would feel. I don't want to break down in front of someone who is happy and scare them. I think I am ready now...supposed to go back next week.
I have also been doing alot of thinking since New Year's (I guess New Year's will do that to you) about the possibility of trying again. I am scared, but I really want to try. I am still waiting on some labwork, so will probably wait at least another month. Maybe I will get my rainbow baby this year. I hope so...please pray for me. I would really appreciate that.
I found out this past week that my friend who is due 2 weeks after my due date is having a girl. While I am happy for her, I am so sad for myself. It brings it home for me that I was expecting a little girl, too and she will not be coming home. Some things are just too sad for words...