Well, it has been a long while since I posted. I think I needed an emotional break for a time. In the past few months, I have found out that although my FSH levels are completely normal after a Clomid Challenge test, my AMH level is low. Which means that I don't have very good ovarian reserve. So, I feel so anxious every month knowing that my eggs are just dwindling away!
I tried Femara for 2 months and Ovidrel (Hcg trigger) one month, but didn't have any luck. I actually called a psychic medium on Sirius radio ( that is how crazy I have become) and she told me I would be pregnant in June. But, my period started today, so she is very wrong. What in the world was I thinking??
My due date recently came and went and with every period that comes, I just relive it all. Is this normal? It doesn't feel very normal to me. Nobody really understands me and everyone has moved on, except for me.
I am supposed to have an HSG in a few days to make sure my tubes are not blocked, so maybe that will be the answer. In my job, I see so many patients who either don't want the baby they are carrying or don't deserve one. Very frustrating! I actually quit the other day and I think that will bring me to some peace.
Anyway, just had to get some stuff off my mind so that I wouldn't go crazier.

I am a tearful mess...

I am so tearful today. My period is starting. This will be the 2nd one since we lost Elizabeth and it just is so hard. I felt like I was doing so much better and now I am not. It feels wrong to be having a period. I should be planning for my baby and I am not. I have been crying for an hour straight now, like the flood gates have opened. Please God give me strength and patience...I feel like I am losing them both.

Clotting tests came back

Well...I got a call from my new (wonderful) doctor on Monday. Apparently, I have the MTHFR gene mutation. This explains why I had the subchorionic hemorrhages and the daily bleeding and why my placenta had "micro bleeds". Wow...this makes me feel a little validated in why I pushed so hard to get some answers. My old doctors kept saying--"your baby is just not normal and you have a placenta previa" Then to think they told me at my post op exam that it "didn't matter if I had a clotting problem and refused to do the testing. Well, it did matter to me, because my baby was genetically normal and there was a condition that could have been treated. That really sucks!
The good news though, is that I am now on a cocktail of vitamins and aspirin and folgard and know what to do for next time. Just had to vent...

considering rainbow

So, this is the first week I have actually felt somewhat normal. The hysteria that seems to lie just beneath the surface has let up a bit. It worries me that I will forget things, like the way it felt to be pregnant with my baby or the joy of feeling movement or seeing her on the ultrasound screen. I organized her pictures in a book yesterday and it made me feel so glad to have them in order. I can finally say I am ready to return to work. For those who don't know, I am an Ob-gyn nurse practitioner and I see OB patients, so I have been worried about returning and how it would feel. I don't want to break down in front of someone who is happy and scare them. I think I am ready now...supposed to go back next week.
I have also been doing alot of thinking since New Year's (I guess New Year's will do that to you) about the possibility of trying again. I am scared, but I really want to try. I am still waiting on some labwork, so will probably wait at least another month. Maybe I will get my rainbow baby this year. I hope so...please pray for me. I would really appreciate that.
I found out this past week that my friend who is due 2 weeks after my due date is having a girl. While I am happy for her, I am so sad for myself. It brings it home for me that I was expecting a little girl, too and she will not be coming home. Some things are just too sad for words...

mixed emotions

So, my first period has come and I am a little mixed about this. I shouldn't even be having my period! But at least I know I am working properly. So, that gives me some peace. My new doctor (wonderful man) said to give it 2 cycles before trying again, so we will see. We are still waiting on the clotting factors to come back from all the labwork he drew. He was awesome...so different than the horror I experienced at my post delivery visit with the doctors I used during this pregnancy. I saw a rainbow over a mountain this past weekend and took a picture. God is really good! I will try to post the picture later.